I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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