seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just google imaged poop.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
