what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
