There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
