got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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