come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
