I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
