Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
