the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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