LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
