Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
