wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
