I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she peed on how many people?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
