She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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