Apparently you make a good broom.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
