the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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