If i come over, it means nothing
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
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There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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