"it" just moved
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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