Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Yo dont text me then not text me
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
