he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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