You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
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You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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