I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
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