her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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