how can u be prego again
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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