I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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