I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
