after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
