That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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