I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
