just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
