I seem to have left my pride at pride
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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