I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
