38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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