Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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