Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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