I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
