shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
