wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
