i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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