so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
