I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
