what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
