We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He better not be in your backpack
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
