my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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