I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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