dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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