i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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