I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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