If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
