I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
