battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Houston, we have a blender
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
