I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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