And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
