a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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