saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
