Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm always down for nudity.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
