I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
