How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
