even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
