Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
