They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
