when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
