I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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