I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
