I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
