I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
