Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
