In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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