A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
