Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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