it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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